This is hard.  I am not myself now and wondering if I will be again.  Yes I had my knee surgery and it was successful.  BUT, why must there be buts in our lives, things aren't the same with me.  I have waited several weeks...doing things I have been told.  Forcing myself to eat....try to be cheerful even though I am not sure I am even depressed...just different. 

I am home now, driving, and back to volunteering at the school.  It is difficult but I am making myself do it with the aid of pain pills.  Who knows where I would be if I just stayed home and brooded.  

In trying to figure out what has happened I go back to the evening of the surgery.  My daughter was sitting next to the bed, trying to encourage me to eat because I had no appetite whatsoever and we were chatting.  I was in pain and pressed the morphine button.  It didn't seem to help so there was another button that went to the nerve block in my leg and I pushed that.  It still wasn't helping much but I just assumed it would take time.  All of a sudden I told my daughter I wasn't feeling right.  Right away she knew to push the call button.  I told her I has having shooting pains across my chest and tightening....my vision was blurry and I was so hot!  (And although I didn't know it my blood pressure was dropping dramatically.) So the nurses rushed in and took away my morphine button....and I think maybe increased my drip in the iv.  It got better.  Ten minutes later the same thing happened again only worse.  This time my blood pressure dropped to 60 over 20....and the house doctor appeared by my bedside.  The nerve block was taken away and I was in pain so the house doctor injected a different drug in my iv.  So I was moved immediately to the Intensive Care Unit where I could have constant monitoring.  A nurse actually peeked in every five minutes....I never slept...afraid I would wake up with another spell.  I had one more in the night and at 6 am the doctors stood in front of me and I had another one.  Yup, right in front of the doctors!  What was odd for me was how calm and matter of fact they all took it.  No rushing around and bells and whistles like in the movies.  I was in ICU for two more days and back to the joint and bone unit for one day.  I was then transferred to a rehab unit in a nursing home and stayed for 13 days.  I still haven't regained my appetite....I have to force myself to eat.  For several days I haven't even turned on my computer...and my favorite thing...enjoying tv....has seemed to have gone too.  I mostly just sit quietly...then go and lay down and sleep.  I don't even care if I look at my kindle.  My daughter has repeatedly said that the episodes weren't that serious...just probably a reaction to the analgesia and I just nod my head and agree.  But inside I feel differently.  I feel like I lost a part of me and I am trying to find it....sometimes I almost do when I am sleeping.  Everyone tells me how good I look and how well I am walking...I use a cane but know I could actually walk just as well without one.  One good thing...I lost twenty pounds so far.  

School is good I am enjoying a new group of grandchildren.  We don't seem to have any so far that stand out.  Some years we have several with behavior problems but this years looks good.  Today we had an extremely hot day and I was glad to come home and take a nap in my air conditioned apartment.  

Tomorrow I have school in the morning and physical therapy in the afternoon so it will be a tiring day. 

Sorry to write such a depressing blog...but I didn't want you all to think I had just given up blogging.  I so appreciate all your prayers and best wishes....and now I just need to really work on finding myself again.